April 5, 2007

Yep, and the stupid emails just keep coming. Thankfully, Susan is around to punish the simple...

Simple boy writes:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: (some douche)
Date: Apr 5, 2007 2:35 AM

Little girls should not pretend to be big boys and play metal. Worst Tallica cover ever!!!

To which Susan replies:

Just thought YOU should know

Thanks for your feedback. It was very constructive and useful.

Teeny tiny, itsy bitsy little boys with absolutely nothing between their legs shouldn't be so angry and jealous when they find out that girls are taking a form of music they think only belongs to the male gender and doing something with it far more interesting and creative than someone like yourself could ever possibly even dream of coming up with.

That's ok. Some of us get to open for Black Sabbath and Biohazard, some of us get invited to play our music on international satellite radio based on the merits of our work, things like that.

While others fire off angry emails from their mom's basement (most likely wearing your mom's giant underpants) at 2:35am because they have nothing to look forward to in life.

You have nothing anyone wants. The only way you can get anyone's attention is to cause some temporary irritation. How does that feel?

Look at you.
Two brain cells fighting with each other.
You're too lazy to even spell out the entire word:
M-E-T-A-L-L-I-C-A

Have a day, bitchboy. No one actually cares what kind.

Ahhh, the Joys of MySpace. The place to hear from people you wouldn't spit on in the street. From the Momma files:

November 9, 2006

Dumb emails by, um, dumbasses LOL...

It takes all kinds, I suppose...

Dumbass #1
So, I'm MySpacin' along, minding my business, when out of the blue I get this email from someone who is not on my friends list and I basically didn't know from a hole in the wall. His all important message to me: "Six-string basses are gay."

??

I did send him a nice reply that reminded him he was stupid. If you look at my picture, and you can count, I'm VERY CLEARLY playing a five-string. I have no idea where our lil' Einstein got six strings from. He must be counting the one his mommy wrapped around his finger to remind him to fool himself into thinking he's clever. Maybe next time she should tie up ALL of his fingers so he can't send emails to people he doesn't know about things he apparently knows nothing about. Numbnut bastid.

Dumbass #2
I get a friend request the other day. Now, of course, I do ask to have people message me first because I don't like to add people to my page blindly. But, if I get them from someone I know or at least heard of, then no biggie. Well, this dude uses the same nickname as an acquaintance of my band and the pic graphic looked familiar, so I added him and decided I'd pop by and leave a nice comment. The page was kinda sparse, showed no intelligence or anything interesting and didn't display anything that I would have expected to be there. I then looked at the "About Me" section. It said succintly:

"I only want to talk to white people."

?!?

Yes, I do have English, Dutch and some other European blood in my veins, but I think it's pretty fucking apparent that I'm a non-white/mud/N-word/whatever-the-fuck-they're-calling-us-this-week person. All of my pics have my big ole face in 'em, and even if this nimrod was using one of those stupid "bot" thingies to auto-add (which is totally stupid for someone with such a limited criteria), there are NO KEYWORDS in my profile like, "white power","hitler","supremacy" or anything like that. So WTF? Yeah, I like Metal. So do a lot of other non-white people, so if that was one of his lil' keywords maybe he better try something different, like DOUCHEBAG. No, I didn't reply; what would be the point? I could have fucked with him a little bit but I'm getting too old and cranky for that shit LOL

Dumbass #3

I get another friend request last week. Again, I ask to have people shoot me a note before they send an add request, but this guy didn't. His profile didn't have anything in it to show we really had too much in common but seemed like a decent enough guy so I added him and wrote him a nice email asking him how did he find me. His reply?

"I got your name off the center for diseased or disabled retarded childrens website. I think it's Great for you to have overcome such terrible odds, & found a way to live with your retardation in a positive & productive manner. You may not be able to wipe the retarded facial expressions off your face, but have removed the other barriors from your life. You'd Make old corky himself proud. Kudos"

??

You laughed and said "holy shit", right? So did I. It was totally uncalled for and WAY over the top. Wotta dick. So I wrote back:

"I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask why you wanted to friend me since my profile asked for folks to send me a message first and you didn't. So since it's apparent you can't read, maybe I'm not the only retard here. May there be coal in your stocking."

Assholes like that guy should be forced to pay a tax just to breathe. But hey, at least they keep things interesting. Or not.

Fucknuts.

Dormitory Effect's Upstate Adventure

We did some gigging upstate in Ithaca and Kingston and had two really good shows. Unfortunately, our van broke down between the two. Although that sucked, we had the best bad luck you can imagine. We've compiled a "Thanks/No Thanks" list to highlight the very cool peeps that helped us out and others that felt it was easier to just be a douche.

Thanks/No Thanks
Thanks to Seriah and the crew of Xtreme Soundscapes/Last Exit for the Lost for again showcasing us at The Haunt in Ithaca, NY. We had a blast!

No thanks to the band after us who either didn't help at all or practically threw our equipment off stage at us so they could go on. Got one word for you boys - TACKY. And no, we won't forget that either. Ever.

Thanks to Crappy the Clown for leading us right where we needed to go when we left for Kingston. Had it not been for him we would have wasted a lot of time getting lost, and more than likely would have broke down in a dark cow pasture on a desolate stretch of road staring at tractors and woodchucks. We owe ya one!

Thanks to the van. It made it for over 3 hours through aforementioned desolate roads, Interstate 81 and miles on Route 17 before crapping out...at a gas station next to not one, but two hotels and within walking distance of a diner.

No thanks to its transmission. The van is still up in Liberty, New York awaiting a new one. This won't be cheap - donations welcome LOL

Thanks to the dude at the Howard Johnson. They didn't have a room, but he put in the call to the other hotel who did have a room for us. The dude at the Days Inn was cool for hooking us up.

No thanks to the wedding party that had not one, but two rooms right next to us. We checked in at 7am after a really long day and night and breakdown. They got up at 8:30am - screaming, running back and forth across the hall, slamming doors, etc. Congrats on the wedding. The kids looked cute in their little wedding getups. But we hate you. We only wished to return so we could blast Slayer through the walls at you until 3am and DEFY you to say SHIT. Oh yeah, and the 2 dudes in the shiny suits? You looked stupid.

RETARDLY HUGE thank you #1 to Jesse of Long Ben. When it was apparent the van was not going to be fixed in time, he came from Kingston to get us and our gear up and drove us to the Baystock gig. Without him, we would not have made it. You rule, and so do your boys in Long Ben :)

Thanks to Jim of Audible Thought for inviting us to play Baystock. Thanks to Uncle Willy and the crowd for showing us much love. Extra special mention: the headbanging little girl of about 4 years old. You rock!!

No thanks to certain bartenders who do provide you with a choice - service with a smirk, sneer or grunt. But a drink? Only if you have 15 minutes to kill, don't mind pointing out the right bottles or just fixing the drink your damn self.

Another thanks to Jesse and his wife, Allie and poochie Lacy for putting us up for the night, being such gracious hosts, and babysitting some of our gear until the van is ready. Awesome.

RETARDEDLY HUGE thank you #2 to Neil. It was a beautiful day and you could have done anything else, but you volunteered to drive from Long Island to pick our sorry asses up from Liberty along with some of our gear. That was awesome of you, we love you man :)

The gigs were great, we had a great time in spite of the breakdown, and this trip showed just how cool our friends are and how we were able to get through something that sucks without killing each other :)

THANKING TORONTO

WHAT A GREAT TIME WE HAD IN TORONTO!

THANKS TO EVERYONE RUNNING THE NORTH BY NORTHEAST FESTIVAL, ALL THE NEW FRIENDS AND FANS WE MADE, EVERYONE AT THE VATIKAN, WHERE WE SHOWCASED WITH OUR GOOD FRIENDS, TEMPTRESS.

THANKS ALSO TO ALL THE OTHER PLACES WE PARTIED, THANKS TO TERRY FOR SHOWING US SOME VERY IMPORTANT LOCAL SPOTS (INCLUDING AFTER HOURS DINERS!) AND TO OUR GREAT FRIEND CHUCK GARABEDIAN FOR HOOKING THE WHOLE SHEBANG UP FOR US!! WE LOVE YOU LONG TIME CHUCK!!!

SHOUT OUTS TO OUR GOOD FRIENDS EDDIE AND JOSETTE FROM TEMPTRESS AS WELL AS THE AMAZING MAZZ SWIFT FROM BRAZZ TREE!!!

TORONTO IS A GREAT TOWN, LOTS OF FUN, AND WE FOUND IT'S ACTUALLY A VERY YOUNG CITY...., PERFECT FOR A BUNCHA BITCHES WHO LOVE A GOOD PARTY LIKE WE DO!! WE'LL DEFINITELY BE BACK!

THANKS TO EVERYONE AT SIRIUS!!!
Current mood: ecstatic

Tuesday was one of the best days EVER!! We are so grateful to everyone on the Breuer Unleashed show: Jim, Larry, Shaka, Pete, Lou, Montana, Bill...and how cool is Randy Jackson from Zebra?! We really appreciated the great feedback and are so thankful for the exposure and the airtime. Thanks for letting us be the opening act for your acoustic singer/songwriter contest and you can count on us to be part of the upcoming metal competition!

Special thanks to Jose from Hard Attack for taking time out of his work day to meet with us, talk for a while and give us additional feedback. You are BADASS, dude!! Thanks again!!!

And just when you think that's the end of the good vibes, who do we meet in the hallway but Jim Florintine (for anyone living under a rock, Jim is the voice of Special Ed, Bobby Fletcher and other great Crank Yanker calls, as well as one of the creators of the "Miserable Men" show on the Howard 101 channel). Jim is a metal head, so we were more than happy to slap a CD on him. Hope you're digging it, Jim!

So thanks again, profusely to Jim Breuer and everyone working at Sirius for giving us a day we'll be bragging about for at least the next millenium!

Someone thought it would be a great idea to post "Men's Rules" on their MySpace page. Unfortunately for them, the band saw it and decided to put that posting in its place. Blue is for boys, pink is for bitches ;)

Monday, December 05, 2005

the female outloook on mens rules =) read and enjoy

MEN'S RULE'S--WOMAN PAY ATTENTION
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

URITH: Because you can't count past 1, mayhaps?

BTW..THESE ARE NOW OUR RESPONSES TO YOUR WONDEROUS RULES (WHOEVER THOUGHT THIS UP, HASN'T GOTTEN LAID IN A WHILE BTW) neil? ray? lol

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

MER: really, you arent..
well, guess what, we don't really even pay attention when you talk..
so, we're even..

URITH: Of course not. Being able to read minds requires concentration, and since most men have the attention span of a fly on a crack rock mind reading is feat y'all will never master.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

GEE: how about, you guys not PISSING ON THE FUCKIN SEAT? i mean, do we need to put a big fuckin X or target in the middle..everything happens for a reason my friend..

URITH: You don't complain about it being down because a) you are standing and just have to aim through a hole bigger than Texas (and still miss, I might add) and b) you don't have the displeasure of having your ass fall into cold water in the middle of the night because your inconsiderate nimrod male co-habitant left the seat up and you fell in when you sat down to take a pee. Think that's funny? Okay, remind me to plant my cold damp ass on your thigh when I get back into bed.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

MER: due to popular belief that women don't like sports..
There are some chicks(not me) that do like sports..
but, I do however, have fun routing for the opposite team, just to piss you off
b/c however I look at it..
I will route for the winning team.
I'd rather have a winning team, then like the shitty losing team.

URITH: I love sports and probably know more about them than you do. Just because I don't know who hocked a lugie in the 3rd quarter in Superbowl XXIX into a cheerleader's crack doesn't mean I don't appreciate sports. I can multi-task while watching the game (unlike you men, see my previous response) and while you were busy arguing with your football buddy at halftime over some boring stat that doesn't mean shit, we could've gotten a quickie in. So the game's biggest loser is...YOU. Again.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
SUE: Not all girls LIKE shopping dude. Some of us get in, get what we want as quickly as possible and then get the fuck out. You know....like you do in the sack. AND Well, then stop bitching that we don't have enough thongs or tank tops...or we don't look good enough for your overweight asses

URITH: Really? Ever try to get the last "hot" toy off the shelf during a sale at Christmastime? That is shopping as a full-blown contact sport that you would never be able to handle. Next time your brat wants the latest 'must-have' widget you can fight the local Roller Derby bitches to get it. Hope your insurance is paid up.

1. Crying is blackmail.
GEE: okay, so when your pathetic asses can't live w/o sex for like a fucking minute..
and you are crying like a pathetic bitch..we'll remember that =)
That's right bitch. If it aint broke, we aint gonna fix it.

URITH: So is sulking like a damn two-year old, but y'all continue to do it expecting sympathy.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
SUE: Many of us are very direct about what we want. And then when you fail as usual, we get it from another boy.

MER: NOTHING WORKS APPARENTLY..
unless I write it down on my fuckin breasts
then maybe you'll get it?
even so, probably not
oh, and btw, when we ask where do you wanna go to eat or something and you say "wherever"
refer to your first little "rule"
woman aren't mind readers either.

URITH: Geez, sorry for trying to give men a little bit of credit. How dare we think for a second that men would be smart enough to figure something out. Thanks for reminding us that you guys are. That. Fucking. Slow. Should we just buy you a helmet and use cue cards with pictures? Will that help?

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
SUE: Really? So when you repeatedly ask"Why no anal, baby?" I can just say "NO" and you'll shut the fuck up already?

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
SUE: Glad we cleared that up. By the way, call your mom next time you get sick. Listening to you moan, groan & whine like a little bitch is not my idea of fun.Especially since you won't even go to CVS for so much as a fucking box of tissues when I'M the one stuck home with a cold.

GEE: HAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAA HOLY SHIT NOT if its sunday apparently and you are watching sports
guys, solving problems? the only problem you can get solved is if your penis is caught in a girls snatch and you can't get it out oh wait, you don't see that as a problem.

URITH: Whoa wait. Why in the world would I come to some pompous ass who won't read instructions, won't ask for directions and doesn't want to communicate solve a problem? You DO sound like a problem. I'll remember this next time you're hung over, have a cold or really want to try that new sex position involving listerine strips and a pumpkin.I guess you'll have to call you football buddy to help ya out then.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
SUE: Men aren't supposed to have PMS. This is also a problem. Here's my gynocologist's number. Look into it.

MER: Take a h int..we don't want to have sex with you.
17 months is a long time to go with out ass.
apparently your girl is banging your brother.
you might want to inquire about that

URITH: Yeah, you're right.Your girl should have left your punk ass 16 months ago when she realized that you will never reciprocate oral, never shave your back and has to find your love stick with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
SUE: Sorry you can't keep track of all your various lies. When you contradict yourself you can count on us shoving it in your face in an argument. 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months or 7 years from when you spouted whatever bullshit you thought sounded so hardcore.

MER: really, let me find that contract..
its in my mess of papers somewhere..
O WAIT
that doesnt' really exist..
SILLY ME..
hay neil just b/c you are a jew
doesn't make you a lawyer by default of religion

(Note: Mer is Jewish LOL)

URITH: Well, at least you're admitting you guys aren't slick enough to cover your asses when you lie. Just because you're inept at THAT too, doesn't mean we shouldn't work it to our advantage. Quit changing the story, and we'll stop calling you on it. Quit doing the same dumb shit over and over, and we wouldn't argue at all.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. Soap guys are pussies. Any girl who likes a soap guy can't hang with me anyway.
SUE: As for Victoria Secret clothes...ummm have ya seen the price tags? Tell you what, you pay for it, I'll wear it.

MER: how about just using soap?
That might help the 17 month headache we have..
and, if you hate taking us shopping..
then you don't get us in hot clothes.
(or we'll just wear them for someone that doesn't have 8 billion ridiculous rules or someone that appreciates the clothes)
You have to give a little to get a little

URITH: See, this won't work. I'll put on something sexy, I'll sashay up to you seductively, and you'll brush me aside to watch the two worst teams in the league play a Loser-bowl. I guess since I didn't yell FUCK ME and wait until halftime you didn't get it. Well guess what? You REALLY didn't get it and you won't later either. Get it? As for soap opera guys...how the hell would you know? I don't watch that crap. But they probably get more ass than you do.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
SUE: Fair enough. By the way, if you think your penis is small, it IS. Don't make me lie just to feed your fragile little ego. guess what, doughnuts make you assholes fat too.

URITH: ...And you probably DON'T think you're fat. But you probably are and wondering why we have a headache all the time.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
SUE: Really....ummm...how should I interpret "Sorry baby, I crashed your car. Again."

GEE: Let's face it, we get it..you just mean whatever way is going to get you laid

URITH: Wotta cop-out.And you say soap opera guys are pussies? Just admit that you're a blithering idiot.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
SUE: Ahhh..so all those companies who send your crap that needs to be assembled oughtta do it without those pesky "instruction manuals". After all, you clearly know best, doncha baby? Guess what, woman is always right, so just listen to us the first time.

MER: Directions, oh, lil poor boy you are lost
ask for directions..
Instead of ending up 100 miles outside of where you needed to go.
Is it that hard to suck up your pride for like 2 seconds..instead of being wrong all the time?

URITH: See, we'll ask you to do something to feed your ego. You then screw it up. So then we have no choice but to tell you how to do it because you won't admit that you're wrong and consult the proper manual/instructions/etc. and we will. So much for making you feel useful. Yep, shoulda dumped yo' ass 16 months ago.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
SUE: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say to someone who gives a rat's ass. By the way, I don't fall under that category.

MER: Does it matter
you don't listen anyway..
a lil something called "selective hearing"
I bet you if I said..bang the crap outta me now, in the middle of your "show" you would hear it

URITH: How about I just leave and you can talk to yourself during commercials? No, I won't be back to cook your dinner or blow you, because that's what I was gonna talk about. I really hope that show was worth you missing a home-cooked meal and sexual offers you guys swear we never make. Besides, if I'm gone, maybe you'll pay attention to the Rogaine, Enzyte and exercise commercials that you so conveniently ignore. Hmmmm I feel a headache coming on...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
SUE: "Upon the islands that he first discovered on the other side of the Atlantic, Columbus found native inhabitants, whom he called Indians, believing himself to be in "the Indies" of Asia. " Dude, that guy found America by ACCIDENT, looking for Asia. No one needed directions more than he did.

GEE: ohh, by the way..a little note..
"Although Columbus was primarily a dead reckoning navigator, he did experiment with celestial navigation techniques from time to time. However, these experiments were usually unsuccessful -- and in some cases, actually fraudulent." point, proven.

URITH: He got lucky. You won't. Especially after we've driven in a circle for an hour. Hope you've got gas money 'cos I'm not chipping in for the extra 50 miles you wasted because you wouldn't ask someone for directions.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
SUE: Mauve is the color of the condoms you refuse to wear. One more reason why you get no ass.
Men are always on default setting. shit half of you guys don't even know what default setting means.

URITH: Whatever. So what's your point? Proving that you have no imagination? This is what drives us screaming from your bed and onto the nearst vibrator.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
SUE: If it itches, please have it looked at before you come near me. Sweet.

MER: once again, seek a doctor..
17 month headache?

URITH: So do dogs. So can I put you outside and tie you short, too? Remember, if it itches, it will get ignored by me until you do something about it. Cool?

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
SUE: When we say "nothing", that's because if we start in on what you've done wrong THIS time, we might actually kill you with our bare hands. You SHOULD act like nothing is wrong. Back out slowly and RUN like the bitch you clearly are.

GEE: If you pretend to care, you might get some ass

URITH: You also know that were pissed at you and you don't wanna get verbally reamed. This is where the soap opera guy takes his verbal lashing and then gets laid. You...ignore us and get to masturbate later. Nice going, genius.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
SUE: Sweetie, we fully expect answers we don't wanna hear ALL the time from boys. Because boys are STUPID.

GEE: like we even really listen to your answer.We ask you for answer, just to make you feel a lil special, like we really care half of the time.

URITH: I know, Heaven forbid we should hope to get anything tactful, meaningful or useful out of you. That requires you thinking, doesn't it? Silly us.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
SUE: You on the other hand, need help. Please for shits sake don't wear sweatpants to my sister's wedding. Are you seriously this retarded?

MER: so, the victoria's secret girls thing..is null and void?
I can't wait to go out w/my hot dog costume on next time you say just put on anything...or maybe my clown outfit..

URITH: Yeah, why should we bother to try and find out what you like and what you like to see us in? And you wonder why we don't buy expensive lingerie? Why waste our money on a crapshoot? You're a moron!


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
SUE: So then I shouldn't ask you what you thought of a movie or concert we just sat through for 2 hours? Actually, I can live with that. Your opinion is so rarely valid anyway.

GEE: golf? what?
Wow you guys apparently don't really talk about anything of intelligence or importance.

URITH: I don't care what you're thinking because most of the time it is something useless like baseball, the shotgun formation or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.
SUE: YOU have enough tools. YOU have enough sports memorabilia. YOU have enough guitars already....9 should be the limit, especially when you can't even pay your cell phone bill. YOU have 1000 channels on your fucking TV and yet we have to flip through every one four times before you pick something already.

MER: HAHAH o jeezus, how many times can we go over this?
you hate shopping, yes we get it
but you want us to look hot..
but, u don't want us to talk to guys that might think we look hot..
I don't get it
please, have a report on my desk explaining this by 9am.
but, then again, its sunday and you don't follow directions..like you said..so I guess I am shit out of luck for ever finding out this situation.

URITH: I know I do. You don't. You can throw out the pants with the worn spots. You can lose the undies that are so thin from age I can count your butt-hairs. Donate those tee shits that your beer-gut popped out of last year and you still try to wear. We won't even get into the stuff you have with holes in it. And no, I don't sew.

1. You have too many shoes.
SUE: You have too many rules. With all these rules I dunno how you're gonna get that Victoria's Secret model to date you after you dump my 'unreasonable' ass

MER: NEVER enough shoes.
but, in fact, you do have too many baseball hats.

URITH: So, what? You weren't bitching about the pair I wore to bed last night. Shut up.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
SUE: Tell you what. I won't say a word about your shape when you stop comparing me to every anorexic model or actress you see

MER: That might be a shape
but it's not a shape that is getting you laid..
you had 17 months to get it together.
bowflex commercials say it works in 3 months.

URITH: Oofah. The only time "round" and "hot" go together successfully is if you're a Krispy Kreme donut. Perhaps if you ate less of those...

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

SUE: Yes, enjoy the couch & sticking your face in the cushions you fart into during Super Sports Sunday (and every other day for that matter).

MER: yes, sleep on the couch.
We can't take your snoring.
thank you for even saying you will sleep on the couch.
do you need directions?
or, refer to columbus's celestial navigation, o wait, that didn't work did it?

URITH: The couch? Fuck that, go sleep at your mommy's house. Because that's where your ass will be for eternity because no woman with any brains would share her bed with you unless she's a crack ho or a bigger loser than you are. Get used to the concept.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
D.E.: Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

"Boys don't get all indignant....it's all in fun: Boyfriend Application

WARNING: For your safety and the safety of others, please refrain from filling this application out while driving, especially when you're lost and refuse to ask ANYONE for directions.

*NOTE: All applicants without at least a high school diploma & a few brain cells will be immediately rejected.*

*Void where prohibited - certain restrictions apply - must be 18 or older - Should be 50 or younger - Sorry, No C.O.D.s - While supplies last - Act now - Operators are NOT standing by.

* No habla espanol *
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's your full name:
(may be substitued for "Dude" or "Baby" etc... for now)

Age:

How long it will be before you actually starting acting this "age":

Birthday (Note: Do not expect me to remember it unless you drop subtle hints):

Your current location:

Location of X-girlfriends, their level of jealousy, propensity towards stalking, and likelihood of your getting drunk and sleeping with them again:

Are you willing to commute / relocate?:

At 4am because of a drunken request?:

Sexual Preference (this is really important because we HATE when you're secretly gay and trying to make yourself be hetero):

Number of times prefer sex per night/per week...
When first start to see each other?:
After we've "been together" for awhile? (don't lie, boys):

Body Type (Note: unlike boys, most of us ladies won't hold a few extra pounds against you. Many girls even think love handles are cute, etc...y'know as long as the weight's not so much that the only way we can EVER have sex is with you on your back):

Eye color:

Current Hair Color:

Type of "foliage" (do us a favor and trim the hedges a bit, ok? We do it for you!):

Favorite Movies:

Favorite Movies that aren't wall-to-wall fight sequences:

Religion (if you are not religious put 'Not Religious'):

Into anal sex? (it's best to be honest because either a girl is REALLY into it, or REALLY not):

Into giving oral? (If not, please stop here. Don't call us, we'll call you):

If yes, please give longest time you've spent with your face in that special place:

How long do blowjobs generally take to get you off?

How many times a day/week will you grab my ass/boobs and follow up with absolutely nothing?:

Do we already know each other?:

If so, how did we meet?:

List any major changes since we last saw each other (like you're already fucking someone else??):

Smoke (anything)?:

Mood swings/Male PMS/do we need to get you on Zoloft?:

Drink?:

Get Drunk?:

Tend to pass out?:

If so, what's your favorite drink?:

What are your fears (you know, besides having this application actually be approved)?:

What have past girlfriends said is most irritating about you?:

Estimated number of times past girlfriends have called you "loser":

Number of legal issues you've had with girlfriends, past or pending:

Do you currently have any restraining orders against you?:

If so, list each and its court defined official reason:

Why Are you Applying?:

Where else have you or are you planning to apply for a boyfriend position?:

Most number of girls you've dated simultaneously, and did they know about each other?:

If you plan to continue to do this, will you string me along and relegate me as a "backup fuck" just in case your other dates become unavailable?:

Do you find it easy to let a girl buy you things and drive you everywhere?

How long do you wait to call a girl after getting her number? Do you really think that she thinks you're a busy, important person when you do the "4-day waiting period"?

Are you obsessed with super heroes?
Comic books?
Star Wars?
Star Trek?
Lord Of The motherfucking Rings?
Dungeons & motherfucking Dragons?
Grand Theft Auto and/or other video games?

How long is the longest you've spent sitting on the floor in front of the TV playing X-Box or anything like it?

One special thing about me that you'll be constantly bragging about to your friends:

One special thing about me that you're going to pretend to hate but secretly get turned on by:

One special thing about me that you know is going to make you snap one day:

Your favorite body part on me:

Average time it takes for you to leave the bar (from "ok, as soon as I finish this beer" to the next beer, and the next and then finally walking out the door)?:

Can you cook?:

Favorite sexual position:

Favorite position to be tied up in:

Favorite position to have partner tied up in:

Favorite thing to do to your partner once she is tied up:

Favorite thing to have done to you by your partner once you are tied up:

Actual time spent on foreplay (if your answer is 2 minutes of "transistor radio tuning" on the breasts and a quick stab of the finger, then please discontinue application here and consider a career as a bankrobber "we've got 30 seconds to get out of here! go! go! go!")

Any interesting/unusual fetish related things you enjoy?

How open are you to interesting/unusual fetish things I might enjoy?

Breast man? Leg man? "Assman!"?? You like feet, don't you? Hey I won't judge you, I promise.

Do you have a nice, private, comfortable place we can go to get busy? And no son, parking your car in an industrial park is NOT a nice, private, comfortable place:

Are you a slob? Do you really expect me to get all sexy when there is a 4-day old cheeseburger under your bed? And moldy pizza on the table?:

Have you done or do any drugs?:

Do you get along with your parents/siblings/family?:

Would I have to?:

Do you consider yourself to be successful?:

Estimate percentage of TOTAL monthly expenses/bills that you pay for yourself (ie. money earned from actually working and not given to you by the last girl you sponged off):

Will you be expecting me to turn into some kinda baby factory squeezin' out kids if we ever got married?:

Where is your ideal vacation spot?:

Where is MY g-spot?:

What is so unique and special about your car/truck/motorcyle?:

What are some things that are wrong with you? (attach additional sheets if you run out of room):

What is something about you that you try but are usually unsuccessful at hiding?:

Can you (as nicely as possible) get rid of her?:

Could/would you ever imagine NOT trying to sleep with anyone on a first date who you actually like?:

If so, under what circumstances?:

What do we have in common (Besides admiration and love for me)?:

Job? (And by job I don't mean anything that pays only in free drinks):

Piercings?:

If so, where?:

If tongue, did you answer easily & quickly to g-spot question?:

If not, where else have you lied on this application?:

Why would you make a good b/f for me and why (be specific, lots of details)?:

We will let you know ASAP. We are an EOE (as long as you're not a midget. ooops did I say that out loud?)

The chatter I have heard from the die hard fans (aka geeks) over
the past few months has either been 1) "this movie is going to
tie everything together nicely and make episodes 1 and 2 a
necessary, if not painful, evil to have watched"; or 2) "Its just
gonna be another piece of bantha dung that doesn’t fit with the
story I had running in my head for the last 20 years." Well it
was a little of both. The people who dress up like stormtroopers
and wookiees and ugnaughts to see these movies will probably be
at least a little disappointed if not crushed. Those of you who
have girlfriends that are not computer generated or inflatable
might actually enjoy it.

Please feel free to click here for the complete review:
www.hotindienews.com/reviews/movies/starwars3.php


MEREDITH'S OUTLOOK ON STAR WARS:
OKAY, I'M SO FUCKING DONE WITH STAR WARS SHIT
I CAN NO LONGER TAKE THIS STUPID FANTASY LAND..THAT KIDS AND ADULTS ARE SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH
GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

I AM GOING TO SHOOT GEORGE LUCAS IN THE FUCKING FACE
AND WATCH HIM BLEED AND MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT IT

I'D RATHER WATCH SNUFF FILMS THAN THIS TRASH

PLEASE..STOP MAKING STUPID STAR WARS FILMS
AND PEOPLE, GET A FUCKING LIFE..

BY THE WAY
I'M RANTING B/C FAMILY GUY AND AMERICAN DAD WERE NOT ON LAST NITE CUZ OF STAR WARS PART 200 BILLION
THE WAR OF THE CLONES OR SOMETHING

WTF
GO RENT STAR WARS IF U REALLY WANT TO SEE IT
WHY DID THEY HAVE TO CUT INTO MY FUCKING FAMILY GUY AND AMERICAN DAD..O YEAH AND SIMPSONS TIME

NOT FUCKING KEWL
STAR WARS PEOPLE ARE FUCKING GAY
ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT DRESS UP LIKE THEIR FAVORITE IMAGINARY CHARACTER

GO EAT A DICK
LUV MEREDITH

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get over it.
It's only a movie, and after almost 30 years its the last of the 6 movies. Sorry that this has inconvienced you and your "cartoon mentallity".
If thats the best you can bitch at then be grateful. Do what you have to in order to get by the next few weeks.
By the way Movies are a form of escapisum from our fucked up daily lives, it must suck for you to be in the minority.

Slurp my fucking ass.
And have a nice day
-UNKNOWN

WOW I'M GLAD I PISSED OFF SOME PEOPLE ABOUT THIS
SORRY IF THIS "LETTER OF ANGER" HAS INCONVENIENCED YOUR DAY
I'M ALREADY A MINORITY
I'M A WOMAN
AND A JEW
HAVE A GOOD DAY
AND I'M SORRY IF YOU'VE WASTED ALL OF YOUR HARD EARNED DOLLARS AND TIME ON STUPID STAR WARS SHIT HAHHAHAHHAAHAHAA
SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!
AND EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME, KNOWS I DO NOT HAVE A CARTOON MENTALITY, I'M ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN MOST...SORRY THAT I LIKE INTELLIGENT FUNNY CARTOONS (HAVE A FUCKING SENSE OF FUCKING HUMOR)
I JUST CAN'T STAND HOW ITS EVERYWHERE, EAT SLEEP SHIT...FUCKING STAR WARS!!!
I TURN AND THERE IT IS..MORE FUCKING STAR WARS

BURGER KING COMMERCIALS...CAR COMMERCIALS
STAR WAS HAS BECOME SO FUCKING COMMERCIALIZED ITS ABSOLUTEY RIDUNKULOUS
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT, PERSONALLY
I CAN'T TURN AROUND WITHOUT A F UCKING WOOKIE LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER
I DON'T THINK GEORGE LUCAS HAS MADE ENOUGH MONEY ..
O WAIT, LETS MAKE STAR WARS MONEY
YOU CAN BUY STAR WARS THINGS WITH YOUR STAR WARS MONEY, COLLECT ALL FUCKING 8 BILLION..
I CAN'T EVEN KEEP UP W/THE CHARACTERS THEY CREATE..O WAIT, I KNOW WHY, CUZ I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT

MMMM ASS SLURPING,WHEN YOU COMING OVER?
LUV MEREDITH

NO, I don't like it! a.k.a. Unpopular Opinions

I like many things. Dogs. Ice Cream. Bass. Metal. Finding two yolks in an egg shell when I crack it (okay, maybe I shouldn't be so happy about that one...hmmmmm). Anyways, like everyone else I have my likes and dislikes. One thing I definitely DISLIKE is when I'm not allowed to dislike something. Let me give you an example.

I was once speaking with an acquaintance about singers. we talked about various legends, some of whom I love (Aretha Franklin, Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra) but she then mentioned Diana Ross. I despise the heffa, but I said politely that I didn't care for her at all. I was asked why. I said that I felt she was overrated as a vocalist. She couldn't believe I said that.
"You must be kidding!"
"No. I don't feel she is talented at all."
"But she puts on a great show."
"Sure, great costumes, great stage production, all of which has nothing to do with her voice."
"She's got a great voice!"
"Sorry, I don't agree. She became the lead singer of the Supremes because she fucked Berry Gordy, not because she was a great singer. The other ladies in the group could sing circles around her."

*astonished look of disbelief*
"Oh. Well...you must be jealous"

Why do people say dumb shit like this?

I love how I get to say that think so-and-so is beautiful, talented, smart, gifted, brave, etc. I'm allowed to go on about how much I like this person's such-and-such. But the moment I say I dislike a person that the person I'm speaking with finds appealing, sometimes they just can't accept my negative opinion. So instead they spew out gems like, "you're just jealous" or "it must be jealousy" or "you're just hatin'" and variations thereof.

I never, ever begrudge or anyone for their good looks, fame, money, talent, upbringing, etc. If ya got it, enjoy it, because I would. But just because someone is rich and/or famous, I don't have to like them or give a shit about what they do. Just because many people think someone is beautiful, doesn't mean I have to agree. A band could be selling millions; doesn't mean I have to kowtow and nod like an idiot in admiration when I think that they suck or worship some horrible underground band 'cos it'll up my "cool" factor. It's called PERSONAL OPINION.

I AM NOT jealous that I'm not some rich, skinny, media saturated, overhyped, marginally talented half-wit. Sure I'd love to be rich, and have the body of the average pop-tart. But I don't, I don't care, and I don't hold it against them for having that life. Nice work if you can get it. I AM NOT jealous that I'm not a successful musician (yet), and I'm not "hatin'" on the ones that are. I love a lot of musicians, actors and celebrities all of whom are richer, prettier and a hell of a lot more famous than me. So apparently, jealousy for those reasons DO NOT APPLY.

So, take this to fucking heart - I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU DO.

It doesn't mean anything more than that. I don't like it. It has nothing to do with my looks, my position, my money situation. WTF do those things have to do with whether I think something (or someone) is hot or not? Maybe those things clouds the minds of others (yours?), but not mine, okay?

So stop the nonsense. If you don't like something I do, ya know what? I'll get over it. Sure, offer your take on it and why you don't like it. I can handle it, I'm not out to change your mind, I could give a rat's ass. What I like has to please me. Not you. That's how you should feel about it, too.